File #3 - a Kitchen Table Council
I arrived at a family home to meet about their loved one’s funeral service. They were sat round the kitchen table, with cups of tea and bits of paper scattered between them - photos, scribbled memories, order of service sheets from funerals they’d been to before. Everyone looked a bit shell shocked, bracing themselves for what they expected to be a heavy, traumatic conversation. But as the stories began to flow, we started to laugh. Memories were vivid, sometimes contradictory and more often than not, very funny. By the end of the meeting, the family had made decisions - not just about the funeral ceremony but about how they wanted to hold the person they’d lost. The daughter actually said in her tribute to her dad on the day how much she had been dreading the meeting but that it hadn’t been what she was expecting at all - and that the smiles were a welcome relief from all the crying they’d been doing previously.
The kitchen table became a place of care, negotiation and even unexpected joy.
Funeral ceremony planning is more than just logistics; it is a rehearsal for grief, for family and for remembering. Sitting together around a table, voices overlapping, people listening and correcting and laughing - these moments are a form of ceremony and ritual in themselves. Even when we expect grief to be the main feeling, there is always space for humour, relief and connection. Sometimes we start to heal when we least expect it.
Invite your family or friends to share memories or plans around a table - literally or metaphorically. Speak, listen and allow laughter and sadness to coexist. These gatherings are ceremonies in miniature - small, human and profoundly meaningful.